Making Time For Your Relationship..

For many couples today, chaos can become a way of life. With kids, jobs, family responsibilities, and the demands of modern living, life can sometimes feel like a runaway train.  Sadly, many great relationships do not get the nurturing they deserve at home because both partners are consumed by parenting, family life, and the chaos that swirls around them.

Matthew and Mary Beth are one of those great couples who have a happy marriage, but who struggle to find time for sex and their relationship. When I worked with them recently, I discovered that not only does their child sleep with them, but they also have a crowded house full of family members and neighbors. They admit their foreplay consists of “checking to make sure no one else is in the room.” They both hunger for more time and privacy to enjoy each other’s company on a physical and emotional level.

Many couples can probably relate to their struggles. These days, it is tough to find time to nurture your relationship, and it can be downright impossible to find time for sex!  Thankfully, there are several things you can do to help get your relationship back on track and to find time for sex — even when things are hectic. Here’s how:

Create a “Relationship Bubble.” A private bubble for only you two is a must, especially in crowded homes with plenty of kids and relatives. It’s important to make sure you and your partner have safe space around you that allows you to connect even when you are not alone in the house. Maybe there are screaming kids in the background, but you should still take time to kiss each other when you come home from work, or to make conversation while you prepare dinner together. You need that bubble not only to preserve your own sanity, but to ensure that your relationship comes first, and that you and your partner are cued into each other’s needs.

Put your spouse first. People often think they have to put their kids first in order to be good parents. I disagree. You need to put your spouse first. If you don’t, your marriage and your relationship will suffer, and nothing is worse than a tense home full of arguments and anger. The best thing you can give your children is a stable, happy home, so making time for your marriage and putting your spouse first is actually not a selfish thing to do. It ensures that your relationship will be loving and secure, and that your kids can grow up witnessing a great model for love and marriage in their own home. This will be very important down the line when they make their own relationship choices.

Stay present with your partner. People tend to ‘tune out’ when they are at home, and even when their partner is right next to them, they aren’t connecting with each other. They are on the computer or watching TV or texting a friend. It’s okay to have interests and activities outside of your relationship, but when you are together, you need to be present and really “together.”

Have a private area for just you two. It’s important that you and your partner have an area in the house where you can be intimate together. You need privacy and boundaries, and you establish this by making your bedroom a kid-free zone. This means the kids sleep in their own rooms and that all kid-related paraphernalia (like baby bottles, baseball cleats, backpacks, etc.) are out of the way. You need an area that is completely your own, and it should be a retreat that feels sexy and inviting. And don’t forget to put a lock on that bedroom door!

Date night is a must. Have a reliable babysitter on speed dial that you can call when you need Mommy and Daddy time, or better yet, have a standing plan to commit to date night one night each week. Write it on the calendar and stick to it like clockwork, no if’s, and’s, or but’s. You need this time to connect as lovers and partners outside the home, and you can’t do that unless you make it a priority and agree not to cancel unless a real emergency arises.

Connect emotionally. Connecting physically is important, but it’s also important to simply enjoy each other’s company and ‘play’ together. Think back to what connected you as partners and lovers before children and work responsibilities took over, and make an effort to get back to that. Talk about something other than the babies on date night and carve out time each day where you can talk and connect.

Foreplay is crucial. You wouldn’t rush through a great vacation or a delicious meal, so why would you rush through what sex with your partner? Sometimes people don’t have time for a long session and a quickie has to suffice, and that’s fine (it’s more important to have sex even if it’s a quickie then to skip it altogether). Yet that being said, it’s not a good idea to always rely on quickies or to always rush through the act. Sex is all about the journey, not the destination, not to mention most women won’t reach the ‘destination’ if they don’t receive a little foreplay.

Learn to manage time and activities. Do your kids need to be in three different afterschool activities, or is it really a good use of your time to drive an hour across town for play practice? Pick and choose which activities are most important to you and your family, and then trim the fat from your schedule. Even just a few extra hours in your week can give you the time you need to connect as lovers and partners once again, not to mention you will have more energy and desire to enjoy sex.

 

By; Laura Berman, PhD, who is a leading sex and relationship educator and therapist, popular TV and radio host, New York Times best-selling author, and assistant clinical professor of ob-gyn and psychiatry at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University in Chicago. 


I hope this brought some extra clarity to your lives in any way it can help! This is your host/blogger "Lex', and we will be talking to you soon from the 'Real Double Dose Channel' .Stay continually blessed and only you!